Regarding the Holidays…

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With regard to the holidays…

You never really can put a finger on one specific year that was so bad that it stands out above the rest.  They all seem to fall short of our expectations in one way or another.  We all hope, desperately, every year that the holidays will be magical.  We go to great lengths: braving the crowds at the mall, decorating our homes, standing in line for four hours to visit with Santa, then finding out that Santa isn’t even in his red suit, he is wearing his “workshop” clothes, and my kid seems to think he looks more like Freddie Krueger than Santa – my kid behaves accordingly.

Let’s be honest… Christmas never looks like Bing’s Christmas – it always bears a closer resemblance to Georgie’s.  Therefore, I have compiled the top five reasons I get the willies on the day after Thanksgiving, the day when it all starts to careen, cut break-line full force, into that twinkling red and green brick wall we call Christmas.

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#1: Toys.  One Christmas, my two year old son got so much stuff, that after a while he didn’t care who it was from or what it was.  He just tore through that paper, creating piles so high that we couldn’t see him after a while.  I asked over and over for people to give him one toy and then contribute to his college fund, but did they listen?  Of course not.  And now I cannot even walk through my son’s rather spacious bedroom, instead I must shimmy across his walls and rappel to where I need to go.  And, what’s the deal with people thinking that the messier the toy, the funnier the gift?  Each time my son unwrapped play-doh or finger paints, someone in the room would laugh in such a way that sent chills down my spine.  Pure evil, Christmas style.

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#2: Church guilt.  This is always one of my favorites.  In my very devout Catholic family, I am begged each Easter and Christmas to go to church.  On the years that they wear me down until I can’t say no, I am then ridiculed for the rest of the day for being a “Christmas and Easter Catholic.”  Seriously, people.  Where’s the unconditional Christian love?

Don't you want to punch her?

Don’t you want to punch her?

#3: Weight gain.  We know it is coming.  Our meeting leaders warn us and give us strategies for bypassing the holiday weight gain, but still we join the other suckers at the gym every January.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Well, here’s what I have to say to that… shame on me, shame on me, shame on me…

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#4: Family.  Okay, so we all say that Christmas is a time to spend with family, but do we really believe that or do we just pretend?  It is kind of like wanting snow on Christmas.  We want it to snow so that we can ooh and ahh as we look out the window, but after a few minutes we walk away from the window.  We don’t want to shovel the snow and we don’t want to drive in the snow.  It is pretty to look at one day out of the year for a few minutes and then we are over it.

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#5: Starbucks is closed.  This becomes a problem for me at certain family members’ houses because – for real, people.  It is 2012.  Learn to make a decent cup of coffee.  And sometimes, in light of #4, I just. Need. To Get. Away.  Although, I must admit- the suckiest most unique members of my family don’t even show up anymore, so it is all good.

So.  In the face of all this, will I still be moved to tears by the absolute anal retentiveness that it took for my neighbor to get all of his Christmas lights to face the same way, yet again?

You bet I will.

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One thought on “Regarding the Holidays…

  1. Stiletto Momma

    I sooo agree with #5. I recently spent a weekend with my parents in my tiny home town that does. not. have. Starbucks! It was like being on a different planet when all I wanted was a skinny vanilla latte, extra hot, no foam. I got Maxwell House instead. 😦

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